This blog post is a follow on from “The one you don’t forget” so you may wish to read that one first but it’s not necessary.
Following that blog my wife and I were discussing the incidents I have attended over the years and how I sometimes come home and talk about them. As the conversation continued it became clear to both of us that my lived experience of the incidents isn’t the same as my wife’s heard experience and she used the phrase “I have a Hollywoodised version of the incidents you have been to”.
As an example, from a recent RTC I attended and talked about where sadly someone died and others were injured. I talked this incident through and, in my head, it was as clear as day how I explained it. But my wife has built an entirely different scene in her head with some of the key points the same, such as a car, someone sat against a tree etc. However she has also dressed the people in outfits and their hair colour etc and the incident is nothing like the one I attended but is just as real in my wife’s head despite her never been there.
As we explored more incidents from my past she has also blended some of them together into incidents I haven’t actually attended but have elements of incidents I have been to.
Now add into the equation that I have also trauma debriefed easily over 100 incidents that I never attended and we have a mix of real experience, vicarious experience and imagined scenes.
I’m not sure we will ever know the true impact of my chats with my wife and son and if I have by default passed on some vicarious trauma.
Have we as emergency workers used our family as a crutch but also in doing this made some notches on that crutch that will never go?
More so nowadays I try and think about what I tell my nearest and dearest but I’m always conscious that the talking is my healing but when does my healing become an injury to others?
Today in the UK the 9th September is Emergency Services day which according to the website is: “your chance to support the heroic men and women of the NHS and emergency services” but I would like to show my support for those that keep us going, that are there when we need a shoulder, that listen when we need to talk and stay quiet when we need them to just be.
If you are reading this as an emergency worker then you know who they are. If you’re reading this as a wife, husband, partner or significant person of an emergency worker then you know how much we value you and thank you.
I’m sorry it didn’t turn out how you may have wanted, I’m sorry you can’t carry on living how you thought. We tried our best to save you and at times things got a bit fraught.
I know it’s the life I’ve chosen to work, the risk, the joy, the exaltation but at times it’s not easy when we can’t meet your expectations. I’ll live with the wonder of what might have been of the life we could have given you, the person you could have been.
I won’t forget you as you’re in my head now, your eyes, your face, your smell and your sound. My thoughts will be here in my head for a while, sometimes my mind will be ten feet off the ground.
We train hard to be the best to save lives and make a difference. To save those saveable lives to cheat death and give existence. It doesn’t always work and we pay with visions and thoughts but we take this cost willingly and let our career run its course.
I hope your family will be ok that they will get comfort from our trying, that we gave all we had but weren’t able to come out flying. We tried our very best for you, at times we risked it all, but sometimes even this isn’t enough to stop the fall.
I won’t forget you as you’re in my head now, your eyes, your face, your smell and your sound. My thoughts will be here in my head for a while, sometimes my mind will be ten feet off the ground.
As a team we will look to each other to our family our friends and community. We accept that we can’t save everyone but we feel every one of them tenderly. Every time we pass this way we will remember you and this day, every sound, every smell, every action, even this sense of dissatisfaction.
You’re the one we can’t forget, the one we will remember, the memory, the thought, the vision will always be a faint glowing ember.
I won’t forget you as you’re in my head now, your eyes, your face, your smell and your sound. My thoughts will be here in my head for a while, sometimes my mind will be ten feet off the ground.
So as blue light services we carry on, we take the knocks, the criticism the anger. We run the line between joy or disappointment because we don’t always have the answer.
We thank our families for their understanding, for asking if we are ok. Being there when we need them the most or for staying silent when they know it’s the way.
I won’t forget you as you’re in my head now, your eyes, your face, your smell and your sound. My thoughts will be here in my head for a while, sometimes my mind will be ten feet off the ground,
Slowly you may fade and not be there every day and maybe I can talk about you on some future day. The price at times may be heavy, the tears, the fears, the dismay , but it’s all we know and what we do and we face it every day.
“You haven’t written a blog for a while “ my son said to me today.
“Yes I haven’t had the words or felt like it recently”
Well today I have the words and feel like sharing them.
What do we value?
Everything has a value and it’s not always monetary. My son is collecting UK 50p pieces and some of these surprisingly have a potential value greater than 50p, but only if you can sell them for that value.
Our time has a value and usually this is as a form of wages as you don’t generally go to work for nothing.
Our love has a value, as we give it freely to others but we get returns in love received.
Trust has a value, it’s easy to give, but betray it and it’s hard to get back, and this is the cost.
Honesty has a value, as it’s worth something to many people but nothing to others.
Consistency has a value, as in some settings it makes people feel valued and worthwhile.
Respect has a value because it generates respect in others and as with trust it’s easy to lose and hard to regain.
We could go on, but for me value in leadership is about some of the things above: truth, honesty, consistency, trust.
Some would say respect but that’s earned if you give value to the other areas.
If we lead with honesty and consistency we get respect from our teams and we earn loyalty and trust, and that’s the value.
If we allow for mistakes and for people to learn, we get value in their lessons and their returns.
If we generate honesty and allow for people to be honest back, even if sometimes it’s hard to hear, then we generate value.
If we value our teams time with their families and their friends then we generate value in the returns in the workplace.
BUT most of all if we value people as people, as flawed humans with emotions, anger, thoughts, mistakes, love, energy, ups, downs, sorrow, illness and strengths then we really see their value.
This is really easy to do but hard to sustain.
Simply for me it’s about showing you care, that you have the time to ask how people are, that you mean it, that you are interested, that you see what people are worth and you show them that worth.
This takes time and patience and energy and most importantly you need to care.
I’ll leave it up to you as the reader to think if you do this, if not can you do it, do you value the people in your life, do you value honest opinions and truths and consistency ?
“The only thing that isn’t worthless: to live this life out truthfully and rightly. And be patient with those who don’t.” Marcus Aurelius
“Slip inside the eye of your mind, don’t you know you might find a better place to play.”
If I need to elaborate on the words above and their origin then this post may not be for you.
John Miles wrote “music was my first love and it will be my last”
My point here is, for some of us listening to songs and their lyrics takes us to places we remember, to fond memories, to happy memories and to sad memories, to certain nightclubs, certain times and dates and also certain parts of our mind.
Recently I’ve found that music is getting me through the days but also plaguing my nights by giving me the constant ear-worm that you can’t get rid off, (but more of that later).
Now songs and artists wise, it’s Oasis that can drive me to those places both happy and sad, their songs and lyrics can remove me from myself but also place me in despair and darkness and I’ve noticed I have to be really careful on my track choices dependent on the day and my mind at the time.
It’s been a strange and cloudy few weeks which has meant songs and their meanings get to me, and at times I don’t like this and the feelings they generate. It’s hard to explain but certain songs can make me melancholic and stop me in my tracks whilst other songs can get me singing at the top of my voice. Then there are the songs that are like a warm hug, that you know every word and beat change and you can just sing along without your brain having to do the work.
I’ve been listening to a podcast lately where mediation is one of the subjects, this has got me thinking because meditation isn’t something I have taken to but maybe that’s because my music is my meditation ??
So if you can associate with this then I hope you have songs that are your warm blanket that can make you feel safe, songs that take you to places you want to remember and of course those songs that take you to a time you would rather forget.
So just to get you thinking these are some of my songs but I’m not going to tell you if they are happy or sad songs for me:
Oasis: Wonderwall, Sad song, Don’t look back in anger, Rockin Chair, Champagne Supernova. Plus many more
The Killers: Mr Brightside, Deacon Blue: Dignity, Loaded, Sleaford Mods: Elocution (chorus), Animal Magnet:Monkey House, Take That: Relight my fire, John Holt: 1000 volts of Holt (whole album), Kenny Rogers:The Gambler, Johnny Ace:Pledging my love, Robert and Johnny:We belong together, Bobby Darin: Don’t rain on my parade,
The Specials, The Housemartins, The Streets, Bob Dylan, Prince, The Who, The Smiths, Erasure……… we could go on forever naming bands
There are hundreds maybe thousands more that I know all or part of and lyrics that hit me either like a bullet or like a feather but every one means something or transports me somewhere or makes me forget or remember. Like photographs on your phone these songs are the memories you have with certain people.
You can hear a song on the radio and know if a certain other person heard it, you would both be back in the same place and time, in that moment, rejoicing, crying, laughing and living.
So this is why music means so much to me and to a lot of you.
Maybe you’re the same as me We see things they’ll never see You and I are gonna live forever
…………….
If you need it Something I can give I know I’d help you if I can If you’re honest and you say that you did You know that I would give you my hand Or a sad song In a lonely place I’ll try to put a word in for you Need a shoulder? Well if that’s the case You know there’s nothing I wouldn’t do
…………
And I’m thinking about home And I’m thinking about faith And I’m thinking about work And I’m thinking how good it would be To be here some dayOn a ship called Dignity A ship called Dignity That ship
……………..
here we are in a sound proof room making all the noise we want to hear
……………..
Some might say they don’t believe in heaven Go and tell it to the man who lives in hell
……………
I closed my eyes and when I looked Your name was in the memorial book And what had become of all the things we planned I accepted the commiserations Of all your friends and your relations But there’s some things I still don’t understand
…………..
I’m older than I wish to be This town holds no more for me All my life I try to find another way I don’t care for your attitude You bring me down I think you’re rude All my life I try to make a better day.
………………………..
You’ve got to know when to hold ’em Know when to fold ’em Know when to walk away And know when to run You never count your money When you’re sittin’ at the table There’ll be time enough for countin’ When the dealin’s done
………………..
And before I go, those ear worms that you get when you can’t sleep and your mind decides now is a good time to play this song over and over and over again. Just lately this has been Sheep and Over There by the Housemartins, don’t ask me why but I had these in my head for days and now you do, (you’re welcome)
I once heard that you can get rid of an ear worm by singing Karma Chameleon but be careful as you don’t want that in your head all night either.
So finally if your solace is music or your mediation or safe place is in music then I’m happy for you as it’s my place to go to clear my head to forget work to sing out loud and remember the good times.
Not all mediation needs to be quiet contemplation, losing yourself in a moment of music and feeling better or elated or joyous then that’s your mediation, that’s your now, your presence.
“There has to be a chink in all of us because that’s how the light can get in.”
I am paraphrasing this from a character in “Unforgotten” the TV detective drama as it struck me when he said it. The detective was under some scrutiny, was a nasty piece of work but clearly had some issues and needed the light to get in to keep him going.
It got me thinking about how we all have our daily struggles, our masks we wear and our defence mechanisms but we all need that chink in our armour, that way of allowing things in. The opportunity to become something different.
I’ve been reflecting a lot lately, re-reading sections of Meditations, listening to some podcasts and jotting down a lot of thoughts. Journaling is a well recognised Stoic practice and that’s essentially what Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations is. I’m not a regular user of my journal but I have tried to start adding things that inspire me, make me think or that I want to read more on.
A few Buddhists quotes and thoughts have also been on my mind recently and this from the Dalai Lama really made me think
“Don’t try to use what you learn from Buddhism to be a Buddhist; use it to be a better whatever-you-already-are.” Dalai Lama
Now I’m not a Buddhist and recently I’ve become to realise I’m not really a true Stoic, more of a flawed stoic who still has reactions that affect me, that worries about things out of my control. I suppose I’m more of a flawed Stoic who tries really hard and also appreciates there are other approaches to life and philosophies and I’m quite happy to steal bits from everywhere.
Now this may mean my own philosophy makes no sense to anyone but me, and my approach to resilience may not work for everyone but in the same way there are different approaches to religion, to counselling, to dieting, to exercise and so on then it’s just one approach of many and you take what you want from it.
So we return to that chink of light, that gap in the armour that lets you feel, let’s you hurt, let’s you love, let’s you know that people care about you.
As we get to Mental Health Awareness week it’s important to talk about these things again. For my colleagues this means we let the light in by talking about our experiences, incidents, traumas, feelings and pains. We allow each other to talk , we defuse and debrief and normalise where possible. Then at times we refer and signpost, as there are times when a little extra help, professional help, is needed.
There is no shame in this, I’ve been there, it helps.
So this week in particular, but every week, every day, please think about your own armour, your own chink, think about others that you know, your family, your friends, your colleagues. Are you asking, are you listening, are you watching for the opportunities for the light, for the time to ask “are you ok?”, are you allowing people space to say “I’m not ok”.
Mental health awareness is about awareness of your own mental health but also those around you. The more we talk and allow space for the conversations the more we may help that one person who hasn’t got the chink in their armour.
As human beings we each have a responsibility to care for humanity. Expressing concern for others brings inner strength and deep satisfaction. As social animals, human beings need friendship, but friendship doesn’t come from wealth and power, but from showing compassion and concern for others. Dalai Lama
There will be a small number of people who understand why this post is titled “frozen Broccoli” and this post is mainly for them but also for us all to consider what the last 12 months have given us despite its challenges.
12 months ago my workplace went into “home working” as did almost everywhere. As a result I started a twice weekly social space on Teams for anyone in our workplace to dial in and talk about anything in particular. So virtually every Tuesday and Thursday since then for 1 hour we have met and talked, ranted, laughed, debated and most of all cared.
In setting up the social space I had no idea if it was for my benefit or the benefit of others but boy am I glad I did it.
We have had a few regulars and some occasional visitors but no matter who dialled in or who didn’t we have tried to remain true to the intention of the space, and that was talk about anything or talk about nothing, say a lot or say a little, but feel that the space is there to listen and for you to feel comfortable in. Some of the people I have got to know over the last 12 months I already knew but now I feel I know them more as we have shared and worried and discussed our thoughts during the hard times of lockdown.
For subjects we have gone the whole hog, politics, COVID, vaccines, health, cats alive and dead, Cumbria, camper vans, pets, illness, fears, gimp masks, she wee’s, shielding, forgetting teams was on whilst in the toilet, royalty, music, quizzes, family fortunes, TV etc etc.
For well-being we have talked, stress, emotions, mental well being, fitness, stress, anxiety, depression.
For laughs we have looked at young and old pictures, we have reminisced old times. We’ve discussed food, drink, eating out and holidays.
There’s is plenty more I can’t even remember but what I know and feel is that we have kept each other well in one way or another.
Be it that we have listened to worries, laughed at jokes, asked if someone is ok, not bothered someone if they wanted to stay quiet, let someone talk a lot, let someone rant, voice their fears or get angry about things.
So as we get to our anniversary I want to say thank you to those who will remain nameless but will always remain my work lockdown saviours. You have kept me amused, confused, liberated, sane and work happy. THANK YOU.
So from this what can we learn?
Well for me it’s that easy thing about contact, social contact, where you feel safe to talk about anything and voice your concerns without fear of judgement, fear of ridicule and to know people care.
Research suggests the benefits of social contact are huge, so as we emerge to something brighter in 2021 we should all be considering the way we can make contact with those who may need it. How we make sure we keep our own social circle strong and we make sure we include those who may not naturally be part of a huge social circle.
So that can be when you sit in the work canteen or tea room or breakout, that you maybe ask someone how they’re doing, maybe you can see who is sat on their own and smile and ask if you can join them. Make sure those brief work chats at the kettle or in the corridor are used to connect in more ways than asking why an email hasn’t been answered for example.
I don’t have the answers for everything but I do know that a simple, hello, how are you, a smile, a coffee, a chat and the occasional hug are the steps towards making someone feel connected and feeling connected is everything.
Be connected with everyone around you. Be part of the whole. Don’t strive to be the guy addressing the crowd. Strive to be the crowd. So part of overcoming our depression and anxiety—the first step, and one of the most crucial—is coming together.Johann Hari, Lost Connections
As I write this post the number above is how many months or days I have until I can retire from my role in the fire service. I have never been one to ponder on the past or time left and always felt it was more about how long I have left to make a difference in my role.
However in a meeting recently we discussed the psychological benefits of saying when you are going to retire or let’s say move to the next chapter of your life.
So whilst we can’t say what’s going to happen in the next 18 months (2020 shows us that) we can look forward to what’s next, to the way forward, to new beginnings.
In order to do that the temptation is to look backwards at what was, what we did, how we felt and to reflect on what’s changed.
But that can be the road to ruin, to rueing the days gone by and how it used to be. So I’m not going to do that, instead I’m going to look to wisdom, as we know, one of the four virtues of Stoicism.
As Epictetus taught us: “The chief task in life is simply this: to identify and separate matters so that I can say clearly to myself which are externals not under my control, and which have to do with the choices I actually control. Where then do I look for good and evil? Not to uncontrollable externals, but within myself to the choices that are my own”
I’m fully aware that as the 547 counts down more and more things will be out of my control (some already are). So the easiest and wisest way to approach this is to separate the things in my control and the things that aren’t. My thoughts and actions are mine to control and are things I defend at all costs. Anything else is arbitrary to my feelings and the task is to recognise and understand this.
This is where historically Stoics have been misinterpreted as aloof, not caring and not empathetic. Whereas actually having the ability to separate these thoughts and actions can lead to more understanding and more empathy.
So my question to you is this: do you consciously think about the things that affect you and if they are actually in your control? Do you let those things out of your control affect you and affect how you are?
My son challenged me on my own Stoic actions yesterday when I was ranting about something out of my control and he rightly said
“That’s not very Stoic is it” to which I had to inwardly think, he has a point.
As I’ve always said it’s not easy to separate your thoughts from the things outside of your control but if you can achieve it most of the time it is rewarding.
So as I face the 547 and look forward to my next role both immediate and for the future and as we move out of lockdown back to a life that is more like it was I hope you can try to do the same.
We only have this very short time on this planet and we can waste it getting frustrated and annoyed and angry or we can “be kind”.
Courage: mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty.
“Courage” can take many forms:
The courage to fight for your country, the courage to fight back against illness, the courage to stand up against wrongs, the courage to keep going when all seems futile, the courage to overcome impossible odds or to prove people wrong.
Then there is the courage of your convictions: to have the confidence to act or behave in accordance with ones beliefs or ideologies, especially in the face of resistance, criticism, or persecution.
Then there is the more subtle hidden forms of courage that come from standing up for yourself and how you behave and what you feel is right in certain situations even if challenged by others. This kind of courage we probably face and overcome more often than the courage in the definition, ie in the face of danger.
If we look deeper at the courage of your convictions this is central to the four stoic virtues of courage, wisdom, morality, and moderation. To live a virtuous life is a balance of these 4 virtues.
Looking at courage in relation to leadership it’s about having the courage to rely on your wisdom in the face of opposition from all levels. Having the courage to stand up for what you believe is right in the face of the few telling you it is wrong. And having the morale fibre to challenge when you feel you should and listen to others in your team who may have the answer or a better direction.
This is not easy, but then no one said leadership was easy but if you get it right then the rewards are huge.
The other aspect of courageous leadership, in this context, is: If you make a decision then make it and stand by it. All to many times we see leaders making a decision but avoiding telling those it affects until it has become common knowledge via rumour and speculation. This then gives the leader an easier way to enforce the decision and deliver the news in a “oh well it’s done now” kind of way and at times blame the decision on others.
This just comes down to basic decency in my book, there will be difficult and unpopular decisions to make as a leader but avoiding telling your teams about these decisions is not the way to build respect and trust. That, is hard earned and easily lost.
So as you progress into next week, take a second to pause and think if your decision is hard one or you have to tackle something tough at work, have you looked inside yourself to your courage, your wisdom, your morality? Is the decision the right one? If yes then make it and stand by it. Not all your decisions will be popular but not making a decision or delaying the communication of that decision is even worse.
A team of champions, collaborators and colleagues is a far more effective team than one full of conspirators.
The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations
2021 a new beginning!! Yeah right, or we continue into an unknown time of new words and new experiences.
Lateral flow, PCR, Astra Zeneca, Oxford vaccine, Biontech, tiers, daily death rate etc.
It’s easy in this time to forget what we were about in early 2020. In March last year when the UK started its first lockdown we were all in it together and it seemed we were more conscious back then of the impact of lockdown on individuals, particularly those living alone.
This time round and 10 months in, the focus seems to have shifted, a couple of recent experiences or conversations have made me refocus on the impact this is having on individuals. The news regularly shows you pensioners and the push for getting them and the most vulnerable vaccinated, or the family now having to home school again, or the home workers struggling to share the dining table to both work.
I get this and fully understand how difficult it may be, but we rarely see the single person on the news. The people who are also working from home and also in lockdown and also only leaving the house for shopping or exercise.
Talking to someone the other day who hadn’t been contacted by their manager for a while it was obvious that we have lost sight of the difference a phone call or doorstep chat can make. It’s admirable to ring and see if the parent, now home schooling, is managing but it’s easy to forget that managing on your own is sometimes harder.
Isolation is tough, it’s why it’s used as a means of torture and punishment. We even punish school children with detention where they sit isolated or exclusion where we send them home away from everybody else, so it’s easy to see why our brains don’t like the idea of working from home in isolation and for some of us alone.
Isolation can also lead to becoming disconnected from people and your workplace. Disconnection is a word someone used with me recently where they said they felt disconnected from their workplace.
I can see why;
As a social person, the on screen chat and team meeting isn’t the same as an in person chat, a coffee, a five minute chuckle over something funny in the office where 6 or 7 people join in for five minutes.
Isolation and disconnection can lead to more issues. A recent experience taught me that loneliness plus mental health issues can lead to extremes and left unchecked these extremes can be both dangerous and life altering.
So it’s a simple message or ask from me this time around and it’s a similar message to last year on this blog.
Take some time today to think, “who haven’t I spoken to in a while, who did I see regularly around the office but I don’t see now and as a result don’t really talk to them?
I found last time I tried this a few of you asked me how I was and whilst I really appreciate and value this , I want you to spread the love, ask someone else how they are. If you haven’t seen or spoken to a colleague for a while give them a call, a teams message, a zoom invite, a text, a call, anything that means you are making contact and reaching out.
Trust me it makes a difference and you may never know the difference it makes but why wouldn’t you at least try. When we are in a world of indecision and unknown days and maybe weeks it is important we focus on what’s in our control. That we focus on those who may not be as strong as we think they are.
And then when you’ve done it once, don’t stop, do it again but call someone else and get them to then call someone else.
“ Just because an animal is large, it doesn’t mean he doesn’t want kindness; however big Tigger seems to be, remember that he wants as much kindness as Roo.” ― A.A. Milne, Winnie-the-Pooh
I cannot begin to be as eloquent as A.A.Milne and convey the meaning and love we see in Winnie the Pooh and the wisdom of Milne but I can certainly try to be like Pooh, Eeyore, Roo or Piglet.
Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. “Pooh!” he whispered. “Yes, Piglet?” “Nothing,” said Piglet, taking Pooh’s paw. “I just wanted to be sure of you.” A.A.Milne
The news is now full of articles about why you should follow the rules, who is breaking them the most and what will happen if you don’t follow the rules. I agree that following the rules is important and will lead to us getting out of this sooner and will save lives. But the news should also be full of the issues of loneliness and isolation, not just the odd story about how people are struggling. The long term impact of COVID related deaths will never include the amount of people killed by the effects of lockdown but we will feel it’s effects longer than any of us can imagine.
So please if you can, just take a minute and make a call, ask the question, think that someone may just need a “how are you”, “are you Ok”, “how’s things”. That two seconds, five minutes, half an hour could make a difference more than you can imagine.
I didn’t really know where to start with this next blog, so many things I could write about, so many comments I could make or opinions I could have, but yesterday two things happened that led to the title above. Firstly the image popped up on my social media timeline and secondly I was in a meeting at 1530hrs yesterday and as it finished 3 people commented that it was their day off but they were at the meeting. I jokingly said had it been my day off I wouldn’t be at the meeting which was met with a couple of joking comments in relation to commitment etc.
Fast forward to this morning and on LinkedIn there is a comment from someone in a company praising her staff for giving up their leave and time off to help with the pre Christmas rush!
My last blogpost “how does it feel” had a comment on it where someone disagreed with my view on how Stress, anxiety and depression can be felt.
The comment is here in full:
“Most of your subject is what most people call “life” , and I have to say ‘get on with it’. There are people with real mental health issues, chemical imbalances, brain injury/disease who would relish having to deal with the normal peaks and troughs of life.”
The reason I repeat the comment here is because, it, and the example above are all about perspective. You can look at things from the giraffes view, the lions view or even as the observer. Each view will have a different perspective but with that perspective we get different reactions, feelings and thoughts of the events themselves.
I have to accept that my view of meetings on days off, my view of how stress affects me, are my views and my feelings and I should resist the temptation to thrust those views on others. Staff giving up their time for the company is their choice and they have their own perspective on this and how it affects them. O
But,
We do need to consider perspective in our daily lives and especially in 2020. This has been, for some, a year of more time, of worry, of stress, of reflection, of anger and of emotions and euphoria. That’s the same as any year but in 2020 our perspective on things has changed. No one alive today has really lived through a global pandemic of this scale. Restrictions during the second world war were not at the level we have had during Covid-19.
So we have a different view of things at the end of 2020, the days of stressing that your wifi is down, your phone battery is dead or your Netflix film not loading, have been replaced with, when can I go out, when can I see my family properly, how safe am I, why haven’t they got a mask on and when will the vaccine really make a difference.
Covid has given us a new perspective on things and made us realise the world works as it wants to work and we are merely just there to play our part, whatever that is.
As you would expect the Stoics wrote about this, not COVID, that would be prophecy on a grand scale!! They did however talk about the dichotomy of control, and we have discussed this on this blog before.
Epictetus believed and taught us that there are things in our control and things out of our control as below.
Things that are within your control: your thoughts and actions.
Things that are outside of your control: everything else.
So when we look at the views of others, our views of the government or other people or COVID or anything you wish to think of we only have control over OUR thoughts and actions.
So the person who disagrees with your take on social distancing, the comment above that disagreed with my take on stress and anxiety, the person without a mask on, Rita Ora having a birthday party, the governments view on the tiers. These are all out of our control so we should strive to let them go, to not worry about them and to focus on what is in our control.
We need this same view of the five days over Christmas where we are allowed to be back together again, (within reason). What is in our control is how we interact with our family, how we maintain some distance whilst still trying to be close as a family. What is not in our control is what others do and the impact of that on our lives in January and 2021. What is also out of our control is the review of the tiers and the news that in my area we are still in tier 3. How we react to this news is the only element in our control.
2021 is going to be a test for us all, the New Year traditionally welcomes in change, we celebrate the old year and look forward and plan new beginnings. This time last year I was looking forward to turning 50, we had a year of things planned and a holiday of a life time to the Grand Canyon and beyond. This obviously didn’t happen, but, I am thankful I’m still here and have stayed well and those around me have too.
So now try and consider this, the most difficult Stoic thinking to embrace at times is:
“Memento Mori” or “remember that you must die”.
Marcus Aurelius wrote “You could leave life right now. Let that determine what you do and say and think.” In essence he was saying live a virtuous life now as none of us knows when we will leave this life. If you can make this leap it gives you the perspective we have in the title of this post.
COVID is possibly a test for us to practice this perspective, be thankful of your position in life, whatever that is, be grateful you have the ability to read this blog post, that you have a tablet or phone or laptop to read it on.
So as we leave 2020 behind us and look forward to much of the same in early 2021 please try and consider this?
You are fortunate to be in the world at this time, the huge number of chances, luck, fortune, genetics and timing that have had to occur to get you to this point means you have a place in the universe of uniqueness. No one else is living your life now at this time, so don’t waste it or waste time on things you can’t control.
And remember your perspective is not everyone’s, some days you are the fly other days you are the windscreen.
Leading into the fire 